It was a hard decision because it wasn't at all what I saw for my life going into damn near thirty. As I swallowed my pride I felt like I was taking a huge step backwards- not just failing myself but also staining the path of excellence I have built for important youngsters in my life.
My mother reminded me: sometimes you have to take one step back to later take 3 steps forward. My sister reminded me: you haven't failed at all your making a huge sacrifice for bigger goals. My father reminded me: our doors are always open but since you aren't failing I'll gladly be accepting your monthly rent at a friends and family discount of course.
And all of them are right. I'm not failing in the typical sense; I still have a job and can afford to do nice things for myself, my friends, and my family. I am taking a step
Back with faith that huge leaps and bounds forward are coming. And yes- this is a sacrifice that I de ides to make.
So as I embark upon this new chapter I'm filled with mixed emotions; of all the emotions I've experience on this emotional roller coaster the word humbling stands out. That's what best describes this transition, a humbling decision indeed; where there is not a termination date in sight, only dreams and goals surrounded by faith and accompanied by hard work exists.
In reflection, I think of so many other peers who have had to humble themselves. Making decisions that are best for the long run as opposed to the right now. And I applauded and supported them then, not knowing that beyond humbling is sacrifice, fear of failing, and of course judgments of others. But as I too sign up for my turn on this ride in life I have a new found respect.
So for anyone else who is tottering with their options, weight them all- the good ones, bad ones, and hard ones too! Make a decision based on what's best for you which might not be what feels best to you. Be mindful of your emotional decisions versus ones made while rational. Know that you aren't the first to regroup and won't be the last. And ultimately be reminded that without question, adulting is hard.
I love this post. It is so real. I just wanted to comment because I went through the exact same struggle! Remember when Jessie moved away and I spent months looking for a place to stay? After putting forth soooo much effort into being a grown up and finding a place of my own, I too had to humble myself and move in with family. I was angry, disappointed, and confused as to how my life got to "this point". As if I was a total failure. I had "regressed." Tears and all. But No girl. Living in that house for that amount of time was actually exactly what was necessary for that part of my life journey. Your sister is right. You'll get to where you need to be at the moment you need to be there. And you'll look back on this chapter once it's closed and be able to say to yourself: "Oh wow. Yeah... I see how that was useful and what I got out of that." The culture here in Peru is completely different. People aren't expected to leave home. Folks are expected to grow up, stay in their parents' home and build on to it. Just amazing how our social norms shape our different perspectives of the same life events. If you were here, you'd be looked at crazy for even moving out in the first place. Haha - I will probably write a blog post about that at some point too actually. Just had to share. I feel you girl. And I'm going to have to use your phrase: "And I applauded and supported them then, not knowing that beyond humbling is sacrifice, fear of failing, and of course judgments of others." Powerful words for reflection. I see you out here and I appreciate you. #BlackGirlMagic - You killin' the game.
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